SPECIALIS - :Life Gives You Lemons: [1]

You can assume that your life is going to shit when you begin to experience things that occur in the movies.

To be specific, your life is going to take a crap on your perspective when things are happening to you, and you know it isn't because of the fish you had last night. Fish is good for you--that's a fact. There's no way in hell it could do anything bad to you.

Oh, I'm sorry--was this the introduction you weren't expecting? Well, look at all the fucks I give. And no, I don't really have an anger management problem--it's just that I personally don't care about what people do or say about me. If it's true, then what the hell can I do about it? Just like things that happen to you; you can't control them, so why bother trying to mess with 'em? Right? Right. So quit bitching and just pay attention.

If my language offends you, then I suppose I could give two figs about that. Just a droplet of consideration for you, so you can thank me for that. I could very possibly feel poorly for myself if you give me that eyeballing stare that clearly says there's something wrong with me when a cuss slips out. You can tell me the whole soap opera later.

Now, where was I? Oh yes--focusing on what the hell is going on. You see, right now, I'm unconscious. Well, for the most part, that's how I ended up here. You can ask me some useless questions if you want to. Here, I'll make it easier for you; I'll make a little list of the most common questions that just popped into your head!

Q: Why are you unconscious?
A: I don't know.

Q: Why are you so rude?
A: Because that's how I am. Deal with it.

Q: What happened to you?
A: Refer to the first question's answer.

Fucking. Genius. Seriously, I am--that's the list of the most common questions asked when you don't know what's going on in a story. It's a really short list, but really; what else could you ask me that you would be otherwise finding out later on in the story? And why bother asking me for things I haven't explained yet? Just slow the fuck down and hold it in! Geez.

Ah, sorry...got sidetracked there.  Where was I? Oh yeah--I was unconscious.

Oh, and falling. Did you know that? Oh, shit--

Q: Why are you falling?
A: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

Stop with the stupid questions. You've got "idiot" and "noob" written all over your Persona if you keep doing that. So stop with all the questions, 'kay? We cool? Hip? Swaggin'? Good--

Because I ain't in the mood. Seriously; unconscious and falling through the air. Not like I asked to be in this situation. And all the pricks are gonna follow with this response to what's happened so far:

"You've been falling for, like, ever, man! Can't you just get on with the story? Damn, are you retarded? Stop bitching! Why don't you just go suck a--"

Aaaaaaand such and so forth. Shut up. I'm getting there.

So, I'll just try to remember what happened this morning--no, the past month--and we'll go from there, all right?

Now...where it all started. Right after I'd finished "pwning" that bowl of POP cereal--started seeing colors; yeah, fucked by rainbows, right? Robot Unicorns streaking 'cross the skies with poptart cats and all that shit. Glitter and stuff. Well, not really; just a rush of rainbow, and then everything went back to normal. A few minutes later, and I paid no attention to it, though I didn't completely forget it. See, if something like that happened to you, I doubt you'd simply "poof!" it out of your head. Doesn't work like that.

How it really works? I go to my classes after exiting my dorm. Here's something you just connected: ["Dorm? Classes? Fucking college!"] Look at how smart you are. Not like 0% of me gives a rip, but you know, you could be proud of yourself. There--one free "Pat-Yourself-On-The-Back" card. Anyhow--back to the important stuff. I'm in college, ya know? Wish it were boppin' ninja school, but this ain't ramen-loving Naruto style. If it were, my life would be infinitely better because there's no consequence to being a ninja.

There is when you're late for class, though, and your professor happens to hate your guts. Yeah, yeah, he gave me that stare. That condescending bastard--thinks he's so fly. Well, that's cause he's got the degree to prove that he's a chemistry-diabolical-evil genius. So? I know how to make french toast and skip the French. Whatever that means; whatever--it means I don't care.

So, here's how class goes down; I go through it. Sleep through it. Yeah, like that--just "zoooooonk~!" through it. Next is English; I've wasted my sleeping time in Chemistry, but you know something nice could happen in English--at least the professor ain't a prick. So, I go through the rest of my classes and head back to my dorm. Hop on my computer, have a little unwinding time, and then skip dinner to go to bed. Well, not really--I had a roll of Ritz crackers and chewed on some old pizza from Dominos. Didn't bother heating it.

I got skills, guys--I remember what I ate a month ago. What did you have for breakfast? Can't remember? Mmhm.

So, nothing else happens out of the ordinary until several days later, where I get assaulted by the Rainbow Vision. This time, I'm hearing things--talking. In a different language. Doesn't even sound like Latin, either. How do I know Latin? I don't--it's just something that you know ain't yours or sound like anything you've ever heard before. So, the Voices keep talking, and my Rainbow Vision goes double. I slide into my couch, right? Lay there for a few minutes until the vision subsides, and then my brain begins to ask the obvious questions that you would be asking if it happened to you. Freak out for a little and become instantly aware that something isn't right.

I go to the Doc, let him know what's going on. He tells me to get some fresh air and spend the time outside, since being cooped up with little fresh air is obviously altering my brain. Right--like that'll help; that's the other way of saying "I don't know, but I'm gonna guess and hope I'm right". At least it's better than a shrink. So I humor that for a bit, let them think that it's healing me, even though I keep having more attacks, I pretend that everything's fine. Kinda begs the question as to why I went to the Doc in the first place. I know, I'm kicking myself for that, too.

My grades are as shitty as ever, so I know that everything's great in that area. Next thing happens: Rainbow Vision, Voices, and oh! WIND. LOTS OF WIND. I feel the wind, but I'm completely and utterly aware that there's no wind whatsoever. With a few curses flinging from my mouth, I just decide to go back to my room. I stay put for a while, and as the days trickle by, I begin to consider some weird things.

You see, my parents and I aren't exactly..."simpatico"--like, I hate them. There's a part of me that still loves them, but for the most part, I hate them. They didn't do anything to me, but it's because of what they weren't doing that pissed me off; if they would just care or get mad or something, then maybe I'd love them more. They give about as much as a fuck as I do about what goes down. So, I decide to call 'em up, let them know what's going on. I get the messaging machine, though that doesn't get me pissed. I just hang up as soon as three full seconds of static pass by.

Decide to sleep off my series of shit-a-thon with Rainbow Vision and Voices. There's no wind this time, but I can definitely smell something nasty; like I've been shoved into a stall full of horses. It doesn't last when I pass out into sleep.

Dream mode--great. I can clearly hear someone in it. They're speaking to me, but again, I don't understand the friggin' language. Wanna get a translator in here? Speak motherfuckin' ENGLISH, please! Like in dreams, I don't get a say; I just bear with it. Well, the voice disappears and I wake up the next day.

Coming up on the present. I'm taking a shower a few days before, and suddenly my Rainbow Vision kicks in--yeah, Mutant Bombing; can't control your power, but you definitely know you got a problem. In the shower, the Rainbow Vision forms shapes, and I'm looking out of rushing water. Falling water. Suggests it's a waterfall, though how I got beamed to Niagra Falls, I don't fucking know. Thanks, Scotty.

So I'm looking through a waterfall at distorted buildings; lots of warm colors with a blue sky filled with white flecks. Countryside. Not sure why that happened. Anyway, it ends, and I find my shampoo-drenched fingers locked in the tangles of my hair--dyed black and cut short, by the way, but naturally blond--and suds slowly trickling into my wide-open mouth, which I spit out of and clamp shut. I finish the shower and promptly splash cold water back onto my face and stare back at my reflection. Hardly recognize it, though I still know it.

Totally went after that swagger--black eyeshadow around intense blue eyes, making them the friggin' focal point of the features. Red lipstick and black fingernails, too. Wearing a black overcoat that cuts to just above my hips with a red tanktop to cover my chest, though it ends above my belly-button. I have navy-blue, skin-tight jeans and usually wear them with black-heeled boots. No additional stupid fake-spike wristbands, nor those friggin' earhole-expanders. Geez; I'm not like that. But it's the traditional second-phase rebellious bitch sort of thing, so it ain't full-out stupid stuff. Just...smaller stupid. Attracts the wrong guys, though I'm always itching for a fight when they come for me.

Face-splashing done and out of the way, I go for a walk. Not a lot happens after that, so I finish the walk peacefully. Next day, I go to the roof and stare over it. Lots of wind plays with my hair and buffets my face, so I squint through it. Guess what? Rainbow. Fucking. Vision. AGAIN. Shapes erupt, and there's a lot of wind now. I hear a scream for help occur, and I blink out of it. I almost fall off the edge of the friggin' building, so I naturally step back and look to and fro.

Yeah, definitely heard someone scream in panic and call for help. Look left and right--nobody. Look over the edge, see no bodies of any suicide-attempts. So, where did that scream come from? I'm on edge the rest of the day and just skip class to go back to my room. I didn't need to deal with any more shitty Rainbow games. Almost threw out my Fruit Loops, I was so mad.

I give my parents another call. I leave them a message this time, letting them know that I want them to call me back soon. "I need to talk to them". Yeah, I said that. I remember that. It was bat-shit crazy enough. Can't forget something like that. Rainbow Vision tries to claim me many times after that, and here's where we come to the present.

I was crossing a bridge on my way to class. It arcs over a little pond with those cutsy little goldfish that all the chicks smile at as they walk by and all the punks throw rocks at. I get past the midpoint, and suddenly, Rainbow Vision comes. This time, it isn't letting up; I'm hearing voices again. There's a violent wind--a tornado of some kind--erupting in my vision, and I hear urgent cries being made. Out of nowhere, I see this monstrous black thing. With teeth. Coming at me. I wanna scream, but I can't. I'm too busy motherfuckin' peeing my pants at the sight of it.

I look up and see something red in the skies, just out of the corner of my vision. It flicks by, and my vision is spiraled back down to the sickening monster thing coming at me. There's a great cry as I'm swallowed, and darkness begins to take me. I don't completely fade out; a voice, the same one from my dreams, speaks to me.

Still. Can't. Fuckin'. Understand. It. Still, it's a little soothing compared to the thing that just ate me. I look up. Glowing figure. Okay, I'm dead; Jesus sent fuckin' angels to get me. Thanks, God. Didn't wanna die this fast, but you take what you get, right?

The voice continues, I fall further away from it, and suddenly I'm in that falling phase that I told you about at the very beginning. Unconscious after passing out from sheer shock, too.

And I didn't even have the fish last night.